Nursing

Here lately I have been really questioning whether or not I want to continue nursing school.  I feel that being a mother is definitely my calling.  BUT, I want to be a nurse for so many reasons.  I want to make a difference in someone's life.  I want to take care of people, and nurture them and help them grow, get well, or even pass on peacefully.  I want someone to say, "Hey! That nurse of mine really took good care of me".  However, working in dietary and now working the position that I do (Hospitality Associate), I have direct patient interaction.  I serve everyone their meals, and if they need help, I open things or assist (only to a small degree) with helping them get situated and making sure they are comfortable for their meal.  Anyhow, I met a man that had been given three weeks to live.  You start to become somewhat close to these people as you find out more and more about them as the time passes.  And I can say that you definitely learn a lot from a patient, especially if you stop to see life through their eyes.  Each and every person I take care of, I try to put myself in their shoes.  I try to help them, the way I would want to be helped if I were in their situation. 
     Anyhow, so I got used to this man.  He is what we call a "frequent flyer". He had been there many times before.  When I got the news that he wasn't going to be here much longer, I knew right then that I wanted to do everything I could to make EVERY MOMENT that he had to be stuck there, the VERY BEST that it could be.  So if I was working, I was going to do what it took to make him as happy as I could.  The sad part about my job is that I don't know what happens to people after they are discharged home or to a nursing facility, or hospice etc.  But I had a moment alone in the room with that man and we had been talking throughout the few days I had taken care of him, but the last night I saw him he told me he was going home.  I looked at him, eyebrow raised.  He told me they were going to let him go.  I told him I was gonna miss giving him a hard time about how much he was eating for such a skinny guy and he laughed and he said to me, "You never know, maybe I'll see you again on the streets someday."  I knew darn well that this was most likely not going to happen, but I shook my head and agreed.  I walked out of there and haven't heard a thing of him since.  I know that he is probably at this point doing poorly.  For some reason this guy toched me in a way that made me so happy that even though I"m not a nurse, I could help him in different ways.  He was always excited to see me when I brought food, because food usually is the best part of a patients' stay.  It breaks my heart to think that he might not be here on this Earth anymore.  BUT I'm okay with knowing that for whatever reason, we were supposed to meet and know each other.  He is the type of person that I WANT to be a nurse for! 
     However, there was a patient that was a DNR.  They were having a hard time breathing but they declined rapidly just in that hour that I brought their dinner and then cleared their tray.  I was so worried about them.  They were struggling to breath and grasping at the air and writhing in their bed.  They had oxygen on, they were being taken care of so well.  The nurses were on top of checking them too, but there was only so much they could do, due to respecting their wishes.  It killed me to know that this person was suffering, and that was the way they wanted it.  They wanted no medical intervention whatsoever.  And of course there is nothing you can do about it, so for the first time ever, I got scared.  I just wanted to run away.  The look in this person's eyes scared me to my soul.  I just didn't want to have to think that someone had to suffer.  Or that this was how it had to be.  I felt like someone should be there.  And what stinks the most about it all is that there are so many people that don't have family, or no one wants to be there when they are in the hospital.  But the minute that that person passes away there are droves of them.  I mean come on, you didn't care to come visit once when the person was alive, but now that they are gone you want to make it a big scene?  Nurses can't sit down and just hang out next to a person, but there has to be a way or something that can be done that when a person is nearing the end that SOMEONE could be there.  I mean how awful!  I just don't know if I am cut out to be a nurse.  I mean honestly, I could handle someone messing themselves, or throwing up, hacking up phlem, blood, guts, etc.  But I am not sure I could handle suffering.  Death is part of life.  I'm not saying I like it, but I get it.  It's just something that no one can avoid.  But why suffering?  I pray to God that I never have to suffer, and even more than my children and family never have to suffer.  My prefferred area of nursing that I want to focus on is OB, Labor & Delivery...Something/Anything to do with maternal and/or baby care.  But I want so bad to make a difference in peoples lives that are suffering.  I feel like I need to save them all and of course thats not going to happen.  It's not even rational.  I don't know why I felt like typing all this out.  A lot of people most likely wont want to read this.  BUT I had to get it off my chest and hey, Blogger is a perfect place for it, right?  I have a lot of nurse friends on FB, so what do you guys think?  What about the rest of you?  I just can't make up my mind whether I should continue nursing or not.  I just can't stand suffering.  :(